Heavy Burdens and Ceding Control

Anxiety, panic attacks, fear, crying, calm, having faith, questioning, wondering, asking for advice, closed doors, quiet, no responses, losing faith in people, finding faith in other people, strangers praying, unexpected family coming through, unemployment, starting therapy, questioning society, questioning values, standing by values, shouting at God, crying at His feet, coming back to God, coming to terms with ceding ALL control over to God.

Where there is no beginning and end of a week or a month, just the blur of days, waking up trying to stay strong, feeling strong some days and feeling weak and broken the next, and awakening to the rawness of letting go of expectations of people, coming to terms with choice and how we all have it and we all make it and not God or anyone else is to blame from what comes after the choice, we are all alone and we have no right to expect or demand or get upset for not receiving help to get through the aftermath of the said made choices.

Getting convicted daily about forgiveness of self and of others and breaking free from the chains of boxed in judgements and resentments.

No matter what we go through, how we learn, the deep knowing that God IS in control, He cares and He has a plan, when faced with a trial the comfort in past lessons ending victorious, and Bible readings, Church fellowship and Cell fellowship, still don’t make it easy as we go through a new trial.
The time we really start to see that glimmer of light at the end of an ENDLESSLY dark tunnel, when we have truly been broken and we start to see hope, do we see how God has carried us the ENTIRE time, REGARDLESS of our anger and “human” feelings toward Him.

“Our” attempts to get to a new country/ home have yielded everything BUT a job, home or move abroad.
Overcoming the guilt of making the choice to sell our house, without a new home or a job, took a lot of months. Of course I felt I’d let God down because I never REALLY listened to Him telling me to stay put, put my selfish desires aside, trust in His plan, and open up a school here and how would He help me moving forward because I messed up?! I’d let my husband suffer because of my coercion and I was unnecessarily putting us into turmoil and decisions you don’t want to be making, with a child and in your 30s.

My restless, gypsy, hippie spirit still tugs and tugs at me but again I have to cede control to His Spirit because travel and exploration and adventure can always come in the future when Mark has a job but currently our family has far more pressing needs than me wanting to fly.

I have learned a great lesson about my values. The core to what I hold dear for my family. I have learned lessons about MY parenting style, what I believe children need, and alternatives to education (that will require a whole new blog post).
I want to be home, raising my child and caring for my husband and home (when I sleep well and am rested) and I truly believe that God wants that for me. I truly believe in starting a place of alternative learning and its not in the far future. Every time I apply for a job or I look in directions of being the provider then I am fraught with anxiety AND, perhaps, blessedly, doors to positions don’t open my way.

I have conceded control of trying to take that on. – I still tutor and I have an interview for online teaching that NOW has become available where it wasn’t a few months ago… and I have freedom to be at home whilst doing these small jobs. God CLEARLY knows when the right time is for taking on more work.

Regardless of my decision to not listen to God, He knew, He knew I would make my own decision and go my own way, and He had that route planned out. It has taken a long, windy, uphill route and a lot of bruising and bashing to my self, but we are seeing that God has our back – He never, ever leaves us – sadly we always forget this amidst a trial.

We were meant to be out of our house at the end of July – so July was an anxious month. Just before the end of July we got a month’s grace to stay because the transfer wasn’t complete. At the same time job prospects for Mark were quiet as were overseas plans but at least we have had a place to live for a little longer.

August rolling by hasn’t been any easier than July or June or May for that matter. I have never in my life experienced anxiety and troubled senses to the extent that I suffer enormously with noise, and the feeling of being suffocated by crowds during the day or my clothes at night. If this is me dealing with this in my 30’s, after 33 years of learning coping mechanisms, one can only imagine how difficult it must be for children to deal with emotions (but another post for another day).

BUT a wonderful cousin of mine graciously, out of nowhere, offered his entire home to us to rent for the next few months as they are moving out the end of the month and he just thought of us immediately. Truly humbling. God had a backup plan for my choices all along.

After my quiet time this week something heavy just lifted off my shoulders. It was getting back to a very basic fact – cede all control, our wants and needs are not necessarily God’s needs or wants for our lives. We have a home from next month and even though my husband doesn’t have work it’s okay because we have money in the bank and God knows this. We can apply for jobs but stressing about the outcomes IS pointless. As soon as we both ceded control over to The Lord things stopped quietening down… Mark has actually been getting more feedback (good and bad but at least feedback) and responses from places we least expect – Australia, job apps from months back (long forgotten), random job applications from billboards we often drive past and figured hey what’s there to lose from applying…

It’s been a long road of rough sanding of our spirits but I see a glimmer of shine and smoothness bearing fruit.
I am not proud of making choices that have sent our souls though these stormy seas.
But I am trying so much more to pray and obey, pray and obey as Joyce Meyers says. When God speaks to me in His tiny, tiny voice, I truly hope that I will hear Him next time and not just listen.

Onward we trudge and the next week or 2 shall be packing and moving from a home I’ve grown to love and hate.
Ceding control.
I will try my hardest to stay focused on simplicity and my Father.

The Diaper Dilemma

I am going on 20 months as a cloth-diapering mommy.
Every washed stash brings on a sense of accomplishment for me.
Oh believe me! Cloth diapering is not for the faint hearted. You have to get your hands dirty – literally.
I went into this full heartedly – right before Madison was born – I stubbornly said I’d not use disposables – “so please don’t buy them for me – please give me money to build a stash.”
If I could go back to that pregnant me there are a few things I’d say – not sure if she’d listen though :p

I thought I’d researched enough. I thought I knew all there was to know about cloth diapering. I thought what I knew was enough…Little did I know exactly what awaited me as a FIRST TIME mom ASIDE from the diapers!

I don’t know if because 20 months later the world of cloth is reaching more South African (Joburg) mothers than when I was looking, or if I was looking in the wrong places, or asking the wrong questions, or just not getting fed the correct or enough information! Maybe it was all too much for pregnancy brain?!

1. New-borns poo a lot – a heck of a lot – they poo mid change!
2. There are new-born diapers! New-born! How did I miss that?!
3. So, you’d need about 20 new-born cloth diapers to begin with – now that I experimented and (used for fun) the traditional terry cloth with covers – those are super handy too for new-borns and if the weather is hot enough (and as I learned from one mommy friend) they can really be diaper-less when possible.
4. There is actually such a nice variety of cloth diapers and inserts – I had only learnt about the Fancy Pants and The Mother Nature – both One Size Fits All (OSFA) “birth” to potty training. I can’t tell you the tears and screaming at Mark for doing it wrong as we tried and battled to get the right fit amidst my other post birth difficulties (breast-feeding, healing my tear) and then add washing the diapers to the mix. The diapers I’d bought (I bought 9 FPs to begin with) were too big.
   I had a new-born, a house to run (no domestic help) AND to add insult to injury 8 subjects for my Teaching diploma for Semester 1! – So WHY I was so hard on myself and stubborn at sticking to cloth heaven only knows.
5. I FINALLY eased up on Mark and myself and we used the new-born disposables we got from Genesis and a packet that we did get as a gift.
   I cringed at every disposable that I threw in the trash. I went on a constant guilt trip that I was destroying the planet – that I was so terrible at getting cloth wrong and I couldn’t get the washing right. I was guilty about not being able to take care of my home, that I wasn’t all perfectly dolled up and taking my baby out on outings and letting the world see her and then guilty about my sadness or rage outbursts! There was so much emotional turmoil that I put on myself.
6. I remember a business trip Madison and I joined Mark on in Durban and I took all my cloth along… BIG mistake! I spent my time (alongside being ill) washing and re-washing the diapers because I (nor the staff) never knew how the washing machine worked!
   It’s OK to use disposables – it’s OK to use them when you’re sick of washing, when there is SO much else going on (illness in the family, studies, a new child to adore, SLEEP), or when you go on holidays.
7. There is not one kind of diaper nor is there one kind of insert. I do feel misled by Fancy Pants – because the woman told me that she used hers for all 3 her children from birth to potty training… well actually Microfiber inserts DO NOT help when you have a heavy wetter!
   Over the last 20 months I have learnt about trifolds, bamboo, cotton and hemp; boosters, liners and inserts.

I have learnt the best wash regime for MY machine and diapers
I have learnt that getting a spray to attach to the toilet IS IMPORTANT
I have learnt what dries the quickest after being washed
I have learnt what MADISON can wear the longest at night
I have learnt how to put liners in that collect poo THE BEST
I have learnt which fits MADISON the best

No one could’ve told me this as I had to learn it all by myself but it sure would’ve helped.

Maybe as a first time mom (if you’re like me) the best bet would’ve been to get through the hardest parts of being a first time mom – the colic, the breast-feeding, the healing, the teething, the sleepless nights, the uncertainties, the trials and errors – and just started cloth diapering when everything just settled better – at 18 months old Madison became a different child, me a different mommy and things, where the old stuff, are easier.

I look at what I’ve achieved and am proud of how I’ve stuck by it. I am proud of my stash of multi-coloured and printed and different branded stash. I am proud of the money we have saved. I am proud of how I may be helping the environment (in a small way) when I can.
I am proud that I let go of so much guilt I carried around and that I know it’s OK to use disposables.

I look forward to dealing with things so differently with my next babies and as I continue with Madison as we grow and learn so much about each other.

Ponderings

I suck at this keeping up with blogging thing…
I have a guilt trip, of which I experience on an almost daily basis, of not having blogged; I eventually do sit down to write, then I enjoy it, and I can sit for a good while and write.
My sister once told me that blogging doesn’t entail me sitting and writing essays – it’s meant to be quick excerpts of weekly or daily or more often than not journaling (so hence my long “blogs” and probably this one too – maybe I’m not a good “blogger”; period. But does this kind of writing mean I’m a writer…?).
I can quite confidently say I’ve sucked at journaling all my life and to be quite honest with myself I have almost always sucked at not finishing anything I have started (hence also me promising myself to blog about things I really want to and… not).
I know! This is a terrible trait and one that brings me a lot of guilt.

Growing up I remember telling my dad (much to his wise disapproval) that my cousin and I were to transform my bedroom and paint the ceiling and all the side things black, yes black, and leave the walls white (A teenage phase – must have been?!) – well my cousin helped me for part of a day – we were all fired up with excitement but that ceiling was a major task! And quick as we were energised we were bored/ overwhelmed – she merrily could go home and I was left with a part black ceiling…I had to continue for weeks, by myself (dad showed no mercy), slowly painting until it looked decent – whilst I still slept and did homework around paint and newspaper (OK so I may have eventually finished THAT but it took forever).
The same goes for when my dad bought us four-wheelers – We thoroughly enjoyed riding and messing them up with mud but never wanted to clean them (the condition for having them) – so my dad sold them.
The same goes for me being SO passionate about Scrapbooking – and I really do love the idea of making beautiful scrapbooks of pictures and memories (you see these amazing scrapbooks of these women) BUT I have never completed more than a page. The one use I’ve found from scrapbooking goods is that I can make people cards for birthdays etc and that’s IF I don’t wait until the last minute to make the card – I think let’s add procrastination to the list of never finishing things I start; procrastination to blog often, water my dying garden, walk the depressed looking dogs, clean the pile of dishes… And the sick thing is I don’t work. It’s actually disgusting that I cannot gather energy to complete the most normal of tasks when I don’t have a 9-5 job! I really don’t know what has become of me the past 9 months…

I think what’s also put me on such a guilt trip is these women that I see – some on Pinterest – or you hear about on Facebook – or whom I follow –
Are these women super charged and super energised? Do they ever wake up feeling down? Or unmotivated? … I see some daily blogging of wives and mothers that “organise their houses, have cleaning schedules, have super school lunchbox ideas, organise cleaning products they make and store, and fantastic recipes (that by the looks of their pictures; never flop) AND they are wonderful and devoted wives that love and support their husband around the clock”, never showing that they are tired or emotional or unhappy.
These people make me feel like I am so inadequate, that I don’t love well enough and that I have failed at trying hard enough to be a super wife. How would I have been, a woman in Bible times, or a single mom, or as a servant in 1912? I admire and loathe these women.. I once saw myself as changing the world! Politically, environmentally, educationally but somehow, staying at home, has made me… pathetic… I fear that even if I muster the courage to go out and find and GET a job that I’ll suck.

I have wondered to myself today if technology has made me weak. Or if having house help has made me weak…
Since Mark has been unemployed for over 2 months and we have cut back on many luxuries – including but not limited to the gardener and domestic lady  – I was determined to step up and maintain an organised and clean home…
Well, coupled with flu and overwhelming emotions from this not so “funemployment”, other emotions of inadequacy and feeling trapped in a city a despise, I have started despising eating because eating means making dishes of which pile up and need to be cleaned. We do not have a dishwasher nor have room for one. On top of me being such a save water freak, and OCD, with procrastination, I now cannot face doing dishes. Mark has been phenomenal while I was sick and really keeps the kitchen clean so that I don’t vomit every time I walk passed it. I meanwhile manage general tidying and sometimes cooking.

Sheesh! We need to get out more. Mark needs a job. I need a hobby and friends! And we need some new life dreams and goals. Johannesburg is suffocating us! I wouldn’t mind doing some odd dishes and picking up dog crap if it wasn’t something and everything of what my life seems to have become all about.

Just some of the ponderings of my married life at this moment.. mayhaps I shall be feeling more positive and jovial and showing more of improvements when next I beat procrastination…

Feeling Fraj

Lately I find myself having to have to remind myself that I’ve only been married for 5 months.

I  guess it feels like a lifetime already because of all the drama we’ve had since our wedding day and which has since consumed every part of our daily lives over the past 2 months. All we talk about is the rotten people, some new kind of thing that has unfolded from the work drama each and every day, something that hinders selling the BM quicker, some or other hindrance in getting out the tenant from our apartment; it’s exhausting. And yet we are trying to handle things in a Godly manner and be Christlike people. It is so hard and I feel like a failure on a daily basis because in some or other way I have lost my cool at more than one moment in the day.

It’s not easy on our marriage either! And we both feel like failures daily too, to each other – The outside situations make us angry and frustrated and instead of separating them from our home life we get angry at each other – it’s so sad. No wonder I feel like I’ve been married a lot longer than I actually have. It dawned on me that a month ago I was telling a friend overseas that I was a bit depro and things were tough and yet here I am still upset and life is still complicated. I’m tired and feel like a broken record – I don’t want to tell anyone how I’m doing anymore.

Those people that do matter have been really supportive. The friends who’ve been my best friends since high school have all but vanished – or live overseas – but thank God that I have made some new friends, from church and, my sister, who have all stepped up and really been supportive and caring. The thing is that people can only ask so many times how you are before you just lie and say, “OK, plodding along.”

Everyone says that this time too shall pass. And some days are easy and I am positive and others are just plain hard and I feel like this dark tunnel doesn’t have a light. I know, and have my life as a testimony, that things to get better and change and prayer is important and leaning on God is vital – but sometimes I still get upset with God and my situations and feel like they are too much.

Thankfully for my family. My mom was the only person I could call – to be honest I don’t know where all my good/ long time friends have gone – they not anywhere anymore.. another story for another day… One breakdown from me, a huge fight between Mark and I and I had to call my mom on a Friday and tell her to fetch me and take me to her cause I couldn’t stay here anymore…She came and chatted us through stuff. It really does help to get a 3rd person in..Sometimes we just can’t do stuff; just the 2 of us. I am thankful that she could come over, that she loves Mark to bits and she’s wise in all her years of marriage to the not so easiest of men (my dad).

Madiba Day …

New mom and baby Liyalethu

In South Africa we now have Madiba Day which happens on Former President Nelson Mandela’s birthday. South Africans are encouraged to take 67 minutes of their day to go and do something for others, or exhibit acts of kindness or offer services to help those in need.
It is a great incentive and seeing people’s pictures of all the good they did on that day is touching. I do however feel that people should not offer 67 minutes once a year to others – it should be an ongoing ritual – people should be kind, sacrifice their time, help others, visit orphans/ the elderly as often as they can  – instead of wasting time watching TV – as an example.

My sister has just adopted 11 month old Liyalethu – which they have named her – meaning Our Hope Has Arrived 🙂 Her and her husband have battled to have a child of their own for the past 2 years and have since turned to adoption. Much to their surprise and shock and delight, all rolled into one, the social worker they are using found, showed and gave them a baby all in the space of 2 weeks!! When God works – boy does He work FAST! All family and friends have supoorted and shown Lisa and Bryan such love and kindness and already, Thanks Be To God! Gotten the basics, the chairs and so forth, all under budget! and donated/ offered from family and friends – and Liya should be home in a few days! This little blessing was made just for Li and Bry~~~^^ God knew that she would be formed just for them and them for her – how amazing ?!

Sadly, the home Liya comes from, Tsolofelo Home, only had one volunteer on Madiba Day – and the house mother says she doesn’t get many volunteers to come and play with the babies or help feed or donate some nappies etc. They are based in Roodepoort, west of Johannesburg; too far, sadly, for me to go to and volunteer at 😦 But I was most happy to see the home and conditions in a great state 🙂 and babies do get adopted really quickly from them. Mark and I went to visit Liya and  and seeing my sis and her hubby with her was just too precious. She is already so independent and feisty! I am sure she is going to keep Li and Bry VERY busy.

The reason I mention Madiba Day and express my concern for people not really sacrificing more time than they wish is because I have seen, sadly even a bit from my own church, that people don’t really want to go out of their way to assist the needy, the church, spend time with others – it, not always, seems to me to be easier for folks to fob off some cash to the church or governement organisation to go to a cause – which don’t get me wrong is FINE, but then they’d rather leave it up to someone else to actually put in the efforts.
Our church elders and brain child of the project- Impilo Foster Home, Hans, planned, developed and created and now run the home with foster mom Jaqui in Cosmo City. They currently have 4 children under 10 years old. Hans pestered the Woolworths in The Nicolway centre for over a year to get them to donate their “past sell by date” food. Hans and the Diepsloot Pastor now  go EVERY Saturday to collect, pack, deliver and unpack food from Woolies to Diepsloot and the orphanage. Hans appealed to the church family to offer one Saturday, 2 hours, to help him and Pastor Lote. I am not sure how many members our church has – we are not huge but we aren’t small either – anyway all I know is that myself and Mark are 1 of only 4 or 5 couples that help… and Hans every Saturday. It’s sad that with such a large congregation not more people could step up to the plate.

I am proud to say though that a lot of members offer and do take one of the foster children for the day; on a Sunday. We were fortunate enough to get little Andrew 2 Sundays ago 🙂 We took him to Gilloly’s Farm – a big park with a lake and many braai facilities. We met my cousin there with her husband and two children; thankfully because they brought along many toys ^^ We had such a fab day out in the sun, doing family stuff, braaing, feeding ducks and playing on the junglegyms – Mark was so tired once we got home LOL – and we got a genuine taste of having a child of our own.
I love the work that the church has done in Cosmo City and I feel so blessed to be able to help out whether it’s helping deliver the food from Woolies or taking a child to our home for the day. What a blessing it would be if all people took 2 hours out of their day each weekend or week day to dedicate to others?….

Fun feeding the ducks

God is ALWAYS in Control and only He can get us through (end of Reflections series)

The stress Mark got under at work has caused a problem or two in our marriage;
me being stubborn and impatient, wanting to travel, getting over that I wanted to travel, wanting more from him cause I became lonely, and not being able to express myself better except through throwing a hissy fit, or being too needy, has caused problems…
BUT THANK THE LORD we have stayed committed to our Cell Group to our Church, to our volunteering commitments, to our Bible study and quiet times.
I have really grown so much closer to God, my love for Jesus is still so crazy mad and although I get mad at Him for what we going through I quickly repent and am learning that I cannot dwell on the problem – we need to focus on God, focus on living Christlike lives and rejoicing in all the blessings we do have – God is leading the way! He has our hand and He isn’t taking us where we cannot fully cope.
We are seeing it and boy will we rejoice and glorify God once the troubles are over –

God is moving so much in our life right now! It’s extremely exciting as much as it is painful and scary. I am loving reading the Psalms at the moment – I actually love to open my Bible and see where I get lead over and over again and pretend that I can hear Jesus’s voice through the scriptures.

Mark and I have learnt over the past month that God works extremely quickly when His plans are spun into motion.

Mark’s business has been slowly suffering and going under, for many month’s now, at the hands of his father and step-mother and corrupt employees – not to his father’s acknowledgement – regardless of how often Mark has tried to show him, and his brother, and employees (Mark is the CFO – he knows every cent and movement of every cent in the company – if he says something is wrong – you believe him). Instead, Mark has been dealt constant verbal abuse, been sent poor performance letters, had sexual harrasment and rascist charges laid against him (then quickly retracted), had cops called on him (and then quickly called back not to come), he’s been constantly abused at the hands of HIS OWN FAMILY and an incompentant and corrupt, low level employee, that Mark hired to assist him, but instead quickly turned against him and started sabotaging the company and tried to oust Mark – A SHAREHOLDER and MANAGER, from the company.  Any of those who REALLY know Mark and who have met him can honestly tell you that there is not an aggressive bone in his body – even when I fight with him and push him – he remains calm and never raises his voice at me.

Now when I say God moves quickly – this is what I mean:
Up until Mark met me he let people walk all over him, push him around, get their way, voice their opinions, carry on on their power trips and do whatever they pleased; his brushed things, that were not right, under the carpet. In only these months that we have been together has Mark grown and changed and started standing up for himself and what is right, even his family that have high egos and high opinions and are often downright not nice people – and ALL the time in a Christlike way – Godly ways in all his dealings – when so often he could have acted in ungoldy ways – he could’ve lost it big time! I rant and rave and say all the possible things I would like to do to these people and all the while Mark says no – we act like Christians and be Christlike in everything – no matter how hard it is for us!
I then am forced to turn to God hourly, as I am alone so often, all I can do is open my Bible, reach for my “Power of a Praying Wife”, listen to my Worship songs, and read, and pray and rejoice that this is for some greater purpose.

In the space of 2 weeks Mark has resigned. He isn’t even going to fight for his 30% shares owed to him (he knows the company won’t afford to pay him – and his own health and sanity isn’t worth the money), he is following procedures, lawfully, by the book, dealing with his exit from the company in as pleasant and respectable manner as possible – regardless of all the ways he’s been abused. I admire and salute him! I am so proud of him!
We may lose our house, and our apartment – as Mark owns the most assets – because there are still sureties in his name – which we are praying, God willing, his father will amicably release him from by the end of the month – because the company is fast spiralling into bankrupcy because his father simply chose to ignore everything Mark was saying to him and instead sided with a greedy wife and corrupt employee, and who knows, by the end of the month there may be no more company – no employees will get paid – ! It is so extremely sad for Mark to see a company he has poured his soul into for the past 13 years go under. But he is remaining positive about the new things on the horizon – God’s plans for us – a new suburb to live in – away from his family – Mark is still young enough and ambicious enough to get more than his worth and what he got and how he was treated by his father.

I am certainly more grown up, much wiser, and closer to Christ than I was in my 20’s.
My husband is more important to me than anything else. His sanity, his health are more important to me than anything else. I do not believe we will JUST LOSE THE HOUSE but it could happen – regardless – we can survive and God will take care of us. We will not suddenly be out on the street – we have family and friends and God who can take care of us.
Together Mark and I are making new starts and it’s really a breath of fresh air – we don’t need two cars – it’s sad to let go of a paid off BMW that we both really enjoy (but it’s just a car!), and an Amarok that we take the dogs everywhere in (it’s just a car!)..  a car is THE least valuable asset we could have!
We’ve both been extremely humbled by the experiences.
We are downgrading a lot of our lifestyle and we are only the better for it.
We can share a car, that’s small and fuel efficient (as petrol prices are nothing to laugh at at the moment), we don’t NEED DTSV or eating out once a week – we have more than enough at home – at family – at friends. Because we’re selling cars and hopefully getting a great, new paying tenant for our apartment, and Mark is so money savvy that we have a policy that can look after us and selling the motorbike – we will manage to cover all our costs whilst Mark finds a new job.
And already Mark has had a confident boost while we prepared him a CV – he has a wealth of knowledge and experience and he will no doubt find a new job; he has already been called for interviews and had people interested in him and he is focusing on moving into working on his own as a Consultant with a small client base – so watch this space ^^

From my side I hope to report on all the new and exciting beginings that will take shape.
Once Mark is settled – once we know where we may live (where he will work) – I can then look at where I could work – I can start studying in January – (I put off studying in July – and it was definitely God ordained – because had I gone to Cape Town for a week of orientation #1 I wouldn’t have been there to support my husband as he resigned and #2 I would have realised we don’t actually have the funds for me to continue with my studies)

Everything happens for a reason. Right now – I am too support my hubby – I am to maintain a clean home (we have released our domestic worker as we can’t afford her) I am to cook and keep my hubby healthy and strong, I AM TO DRAW CLOSER TO GOD in all things! Surrender all things! At the end of the day – nothing is ours! We will leave this earth with nothing – so we cannot hold onto anything – except God!

A time to draw closer to God (Part 10)

I resigned from Nannies in Training a month before I was to go full-time and Mark agreed that if it was causing me such stress for 5K then I didn’t have to be there. Mark has started up and run, alongside his father and older brother, their own company for the past 13 years – not to brag but the company DID well – they made good profits and had a lot to show for it – in the same breath – Mark worked his BUTT off over those years – late nights, long hours, many days of travel into African countries.
Mark is different to ALL the men I met or dated in by-gone years.
He is kind, very soft but not to be pushed over a certain limit, he considers everyone else before himself, he is extremely thoughtful, funny, mature, romantic and he is organised, he established himself (Mark had also thought he wouldn’t get married – so he made a life for himself  without a woman)
– He is street smart and extremely money savvy – he owns his own house and his own apartment (which we rent out), he has a dog and a cat – he has everything I could want to have for myself, kinda, already set up for me, to slip into; me and my life that fits in a suitcase kkk.
We didn’t have to start everything from scratch – I could come in and slowly bring in my own touches and re-decorate etc with the wedding gifts. He has 2 cars and a motorbike (the motorbike was one tick on my checklist of why he was the man for me). With me not having debt or any expenses except a pre-paid cell phone – Mark had said that I didn’t need to work – I could if I wanted – he values my independence – but he could give me a seperate little income for my own use and I could look after the house and do groceries and we would manage.

By March we were married. I must admit that my independence and my stubbornness has caused me discomfort these past 4 months of marriage; along with my temper and poor conflict resolution techniques – I’m sad to admit that I’ve fought more with Mark than I’d ever dreamed of for the beginning stages of our marriage. OK there is a lot of background to our fighting…
Before getting married it was never my intention to just get married, settle down and have kids and immediately become a “house executive” and mother.
Mark and I got married quickly so there is a lot we need to learn about each other and both of us wish to enjoy each other and just be the two of us for a while – we can’t say we will have children at any exact time, because, as God has convicted me of on more than one occasion, as often as we plan and make goals for ourselves, it’s ultimately God’s planning and will for our lives.
Both of us wished to be married and set off to explore the world and do WorkAway- (Woofing) for approximately a year – get it out of our systems – get it out of mine – go and see new things together. We had it all figured out in our heads – renting out the house, putting Jet (our Doberman) in a new home, Mark would work from his laptop and so on…

Ultimately though…GOD is in control.

God has other plans and He convicts us in areas of our lives that He knows we need conviction in – also, He already knows what will transpire in the future – so what we may be wanting in immediate effect cannot transpire if what is to happen in the future is way out of line with what we can ever imagine…

Mark can testify about his story, his being saved and what transpired after his batism – but I will share pertaining to the areas in which I’ve been tested in.

I’m independent and have made my own money for over 10 years and looked after myself – now I’m married and I have a gentleman offering to take care of me for nothing, but my love and cooking, in return… I am slowly coming to terms with this – but I never want others to feel like I’m a gold digger, or taking advantage of my husband who works himself sick whilst I sit reading all day.
I also feel guilty for not working and fulfilling God’s purpose – so I have looked at avenues of volunteering, helping family, studying, tutoring…I’m not patient (as we all have come to know).
We have ONLY been married 4 months. There is a life ahead of us together to explore the world, go out on Saturdays and see something new or taste something new outside of Joburg.
We don’t have to do everything now, all at once.
And I have grasped this.
God is constantly telling ME to draw closer to Him.
To use the time that I am not busy to read my Bible, pray and worship Him, and focus on Him.
I love to cook, it relaxes me, it challenges me and I am really starting to love preparing new and interesting meals for Mark.
I am OCD so I tidy up a lot and I have accepted that it’s not changing the world but it’s small things that I am doing, now, at this phase of our life, that are important and enough. I am very proud of my home and garden – and I like ensuring its neat and pretty.
I can be proud of myself for having worked in various fields, blessed to have gotten a Tertiary Education, ran my own company!
And right now my purpose is to be the support my husband needs and to ensure that he comes home to a clean home, happy dogs, yummy food and a happy and loving wife.

I believe God prevented me from giving away Jet so that I could make a new friend and get closer to, Sian (a lovely lady in my Cell group), socialise Jet with other dogs and get him into training, rescue Luna from the SPCA so that Jet could have a friend, go on “playdates” and learn that owning dogs is actually a lifestyle choice and a big responsibility – you CANNOT buy a dog and leave them alone, in a garden, expecting them to be happy!

I have learnt what it means to fully wait on God and rely on Him and rejoice in the extremely bad times because only God can get us through!

Not another love story… (Part 9)

It was in the December of 2012 that me following God’s will and doing as He says, getting to know Him more and submitting every inch of myself to Him, that I was seeing results.
I can boast that I have not touched drugs in 3 and a half years.
I have completely given up smoking for 7 months now – although I only smoked over weekends and had reduced to possibly 4 a weekend the year before the 7 that have passed.
I cannot go to a club without getting annoyed with smokers and people bumping me. Occasionally I feel like I want to go dancing and get dolled up and go out but quickly remind myself how annoying being in a club is now and stinking of the cigarette smoke – yuk.
I cannot drink copiously anymore. The day after my Bacherlorette Party and another day after a friend’s birthday – of hangovers from hell – can testify to that fact. I FEEL like I am 21 and I can joke and act 21 sometimes but I know I have changed – my mind has shifted and I cannot bare to try and LIVE like a 21 year old. My goodness I don’t even drive like I did back then – racing around with this go go attitude.

On the 2nd of December I went to my friend’s 30 birthday dinner at the Zoo Lake Moyo. I didn’t want to go. I was tired – Nannies was draining me. I was a tad depro cause I’d gotten to the point where I was embracing a life single – that many women had been called to never marry and that I was one of them. In my head I was planning and getting documents together to return to Korea beginning Feb. I wanted the months to fly by so I could say bye. I was early, the birthday girl was late, I knew no-one, and I joined a table, the only table where there were people who merrily coaxed me over to join them.
Mark was seated opposite me.
Maybe I am a dork. But IT WAS  love at first sight. I kept staring at him through the evening, did the hair flick thing, though he was a bit shy and didn’t maintain eye contact too long kkk, I tried to talk to him after the meal but he was a bit shy. He did get the table free wine because my food was late and half the stuff on the menu was sold out and he waited for me to get my food before he started eating – someone who didn’t even know me.
I gave up by the end of the night in waiting for him to ask for my number and I left. I thought to myself,  “I AM NOT CHASING THIS ONE”. If it’s God’s will then he will find a way to contact me and if he does, great, if not then that’s meant to be.
Well, later on the next day, my friend asked me if she could give Mark my number – I was thrilled and when Mark texted me I said “took you long enough!” Neither of us wasted time. We met an hour later for “coffee”, the place was closed, so ended up sharing wine and both talking non stop, which later ended in pizza, and us both getting home after midnight. There was an instant connection and I just knew that he was different, that the date was different. I was so sure about Mark, was upfront with him, that there was to be no sex before marriage. I went home feeling great about him BUT I had to clear one thing up with him. – I texted him and asked him if he was a Christian, and would he come with me to my church because I wanted a man who would join me at my church and who I could share the same belief with, pray with, and raise my children with, with the same ideals in mind. I was so scared. I really liked Mark but I was following God’s will now and if Mark turned around and said no – I would have to – no – had to, say good bye. I was so scared after texting him, in the evening, that I switched off my phone and only turned it on when I woke up…

Mark really surprised me. I could take on the day smiling. He said to me that he was a Christian but he needed to get closer to The Lord and wanted to get closer to The Lord and if he could with me then that would be great. Amen.
As quickly as we went on our first date, was as quickly as we said I love you, as quickly as we were engaged and as quickly as we were married. Mark and I did everything according to God’s will.
We met Colin (one of the Village Church Lonehill Elders) and did the marriage course. We went on dates and outings together. I planned the wedding with my cousin, Joni, and other family like my married cousin Hayley, helped me with finding a dress, going cake tasting, and makeup runs. My family fell in love with Mark the minute they met him! And he is as much a part of our family as if we have known him for many years!
Don’t get me wrong, we haven’t been prepared for the twists and turns that have happened since getting married and although we set goals and made plans for what WE wanted to do once married God has been showing us that He is in control not us…

What you know or WHO you know? (Part 8)

It’s mid July 2012, I have been home for 2 weeks or so, finished seeing my besties in England (for a month), seen my aunt and her family in Germany for 2 or so weeks, seen a good friend in Switzerland for 3 or 4 days and said goodbye to my 2 years of Korean life in May. had confided in my sis and told her that I was feeling a bit morbs for spending most of my days in my pajamas, reading and or going out to meet people for coffees (spending whilst not earning as yet). I was still at a crossroad – I am not a patient person. So while it was only a few weeks of me not working or travelling or making news plans to travel I was getting impatient at how stagnant my life suddenly felt – my Korean sisters, that had also all ended their contracts teaching in Korea, were all basking on Bali beaches and begging me to come over. I had the money…and old Colette probably would have gone and bought an airticket to go; regardless of the high cost – but I have clearly gotten a bit wiser in my years…and I forced myself to say no – and focus my energy into making something work in South Africa while deciding into which direction I would next head.
In August a team from my church (Village Church Lonehill) went out to Mozambique for 10 days and Lisa and her husband had signed up months prior – not sure if there was even space for me – Lisa suggested I join – and God did the rest.
I joined them – I got a taste of volunteering and Mission work with women and children. There is next to nothing in the towns we visited – the simplest thing such as an old rope can be turned into a delightful game of skipping. Kids wear the same clothes day in and day out – and some as young as 5 are carrying around their baby brother or sister . There are no colouring pages, crayons, radios, face paints – My eyes were opened to a new world and an even better appreciation of the blessings I have and not of what I don’t have. There is NO running water – you cannot open a tap and take a long leisurely bath – no – most of the Mozambiquen people have to go and walk to a communal tap, fill a large barrel of water and their families have to share that water for a number of days – for all needs – cooking, cleaning, bathing and so forth. Nobody even knows for certain if or when the communal tap will work… It opened my eyes to how much water we in Western society waste! I managed to bath in a small amount of water and brush my teeth out of a cup of water. I was most upset about the trash and filth surrounding the houses and villages – I had to really try and tune it all out to remain focused only on the people that we were there to serve. I know that it is their way of life and if it’s something you grow up with then it’s something you don’t notice BUT I feel like there is a definite need to educate the people of Mozambique about nature conservation and keeping our earth clean and the correct treatment of wildlife and lifestock. I was not fully prepared for the task we were undertaking but the experience taught me how to be better prepared for the next time I join an outreach such as that.

I discovered an awesome Korean Supermarket in Rivonia! I still buy my Korean food there and I always try and practice my Korean and talk to the ladies a bit. God opened a door for me there – the shop owner passed on my number to a Korean working for the Korean Embassy, who had just moved his family to South Africa, and shortly thereafter I began tutoring his son and daughter. I was so excited – I had all these great ideas in my head on what I’d teach them and how I’d take them to movies and out shopping, do cooking lessons, that kind of thing.
Unfortunately, and this is a problem with most Korean parents and the mentality of most Koreans, the father wanted me to tutor them every single day for around 4 hours a day. The children were scared to go out because “it’s not safe” mentality, the daughter goes to Crawford Benmore and there are other Koreans there so that’s who she stuck to – so she wasn’t practicing English and stepping out of her comfort zone to make friends with English people (Koreans are very shy and afraid of trying to speak English in case they make mistakes and embarrass themselves). My tutoring was not to be fun. It was to be very strict. I was to give them homework and teach them advanced grammar over and above the homework they were getting from school. It was tough.
In the end I had to be very strict, make it clear that in South Africa we do things differently, and eventually I figured it wasn’t worth the stress and time regardless of the money; so I left.
At the same time I was tutoring a Grade 2 girl at her school, 3x a week for an hour or 2 – her mom was referred to me by a lady who I was temping for – at a company one of my previous Au Pair mom’s was an MD of, for some extra cash and to pass the days constructively… who you know hey!!.
And we worked on her homework and efficiency and played a game or two and I really enjoyed tutoring her.
It was tough though because at the same time I’d accepted a part-time job working for Nannies in Training which I was referred to by my cousin; she does the CPR and First Aid for them – again God in work, the people we know helping us with people they know. (I look at this all now and I’m thinking – God was clearly saying – “here Colette you were bored and complaining – so take on all of these and see what happens”)
Nannies in Training was in-line with my experience and passion – the training part – and in the future my boss had goals to bring in baby training which I could run with and we could plan other sections of her business that I could control – I am a good worker, honest, reliable and I do my job really well; once I have learnt what I need to do. I use my initiative and I am professional and have a good business sense. Within a month my boss came into work less and less and I took on all her roles – but I was being paid R5000 and meant to only work half day (so I could still tutor) – I suddenly had 3 phones by December and had to work through December whilst she was on a holiday in Australia. I had to interview new ladies, type CVs, try and re-decorate the canteen, set up and watch over interviews for new placements, invoice, make sure payments were being made, and then deal with ladies not rocking up for work or starting with poor work performance within the first week of their new job. I just kept thinking – “why I am doing this? The pay is not worth it, I gave up my tutoring, and it isn’t my passion to start feeling negativity as I was feeling in Rentals all over again”. Even in the job placement arena you get dodgy employers and dodgy employees and I was dealing with them both whilst my boss had freedom to start up new phases of her business. I was honoured that she felt like I was so good that I could run her company for her but I wasn’t teaching and I came to the realisation that it didn’t matter that she would pay me more – I was in a place that was making me miserable.

God had His eye on me all this time and He had other plans for me….