Heavy Burdens and Ceding Control

Anxiety, panic attacks, fear, crying, calm, having faith, questioning, wondering, asking for advice, closed doors, quiet, no responses, losing faith in people, finding faith in other people, strangers praying, unexpected family coming through, unemployment, starting therapy, questioning society, questioning values, standing by values, shouting at God, crying at His feet, coming back to God, coming to terms with ceding ALL control over to God.

Where there is no beginning and end of a week or a month, just the blur of days, waking up trying to stay strong, feeling strong some days and feeling weak and broken the next, and awakening to the rawness of letting go of expectations of people, coming to terms with choice and how we all have it and we all make it and not God or anyone else is to blame from what comes after the choice, we are all alone and we have no right to expect or demand or get upset for not receiving help to get through the aftermath of the said made choices.

Getting convicted daily about forgiveness of self and of others and breaking free from the chains of boxed in judgements and resentments.

No matter what we go through, how we learn, the deep knowing that God IS in control, He cares and He has a plan, when faced with a trial the comfort in past lessons ending victorious, and Bible readings, Church fellowship and Cell fellowship, still don’t make it easy as we go through a new trial.
The time we really start to see that glimmer of light at the end of an ENDLESSLY dark tunnel, when we have truly been broken and we start to see hope, do we see how God has carried us the ENTIRE time, REGARDLESS of our anger and “human” feelings toward Him.

“Our” attempts to get to a new country/ home have yielded everything BUT a job, home or move abroad.
Overcoming the guilt of making the choice to sell our house, without a new home or a job, took a lot of months. Of course I felt I’d let God down because I never REALLY listened to Him telling me to stay put, put my selfish desires aside, trust in His plan, and open up a school here and how would He help me moving forward because I messed up?! I’d let my husband suffer because of my coercion and I was unnecessarily putting us into turmoil and decisions you don’t want to be making, with a child and in your 30s.

My restless, gypsy, hippie spirit still tugs and tugs at me but again I have to cede control to His Spirit because travel and exploration and adventure can always come in the future when Mark has a job but currently our family has far more pressing needs than me wanting to fly.

I have learned a great lesson about my values. The core to what I hold dear for my family. I have learned lessons about MY parenting style, what I believe children need, and alternatives to education (that will require a whole new blog post).
I want to be home, raising my child and caring for my husband and home (when I sleep well and am rested) and I truly believe that God wants that for me. I truly believe in starting a place of alternative learning and its not in the far future. Every time I apply for a job or I look in directions of being the provider then I am fraught with anxiety AND, perhaps, blessedly, doors to positions don’t open my way.

I have conceded control of trying to take that on. – I still tutor and I have an interview for online teaching that NOW has become available where it wasn’t a few months ago… and I have freedom to be at home whilst doing these small jobs. God CLEARLY knows when the right time is for taking on more work.

Regardless of my decision to not listen to God, He knew, He knew I would make my own decision and go my own way, and He had that route planned out. It has taken a long, windy, uphill route and a lot of bruising and bashing to my self, but we are seeing that God has our back – He never, ever leaves us – sadly we always forget this amidst a trial.

We were meant to be out of our house at the end of July – so July was an anxious month. Just before the end of July we got a month’s grace to stay because the transfer wasn’t complete. At the same time job prospects for Mark were quiet as were overseas plans but at least we have had a place to live for a little longer.

August rolling by hasn’t been any easier than July or June or May for that matter. I have never in my life experienced anxiety and troubled senses to the extent that I suffer enormously with noise, and the feeling of being suffocated by crowds during the day or my clothes at night. If this is me dealing with this in my 30’s, after 33 years of learning coping mechanisms, one can only imagine how difficult it must be for children to deal with emotions (but another post for another day).

BUT a wonderful cousin of mine graciously, out of nowhere, offered his entire home to us to rent for the next few months as they are moving out the end of the month and he just thought of us immediately. Truly humbling. God had a backup plan for my choices all along.

After my quiet time this week something heavy just lifted off my shoulders. It was getting back to a very basic fact – cede all control, our wants and needs are not necessarily God’s needs or wants for our lives. We have a home from next month and even though my husband doesn’t have work it’s okay because we have money in the bank and God knows this. We can apply for jobs but stressing about the outcomes IS pointless. As soon as we both ceded control over to The Lord things stopped quietening down… Mark has actually been getting more feedback (good and bad but at least feedback) and responses from places we least expect – Australia, job apps from months back (long forgotten), random job applications from billboards we often drive past and figured hey what’s there to lose from applying…

It’s been a long road of rough sanding of our spirits but I see a glimmer of shine and smoothness bearing fruit.
I am not proud of making choices that have sent our souls though these stormy seas.
But I am trying so much more to pray and obey, pray and obey as Joyce Meyers says. When God speaks to me in His tiny, tiny voice, I truly hope that I will hear Him next time and not just listen.

Onward we trudge and the next week or 2 shall be packing and moving from a home I’ve grown to love and hate.
Ceding control.
I will try my hardest to stay focused on simplicity and my Father.

The Diaper Dilemma

I am going on 20 months as a cloth-diapering mommy.
Every washed stash brings on a sense of accomplishment for me.
Oh believe me! Cloth diapering is not for the faint hearted. You have to get your hands dirty – literally.
I went into this full heartedly – right before Madison was born – I stubbornly said I’d not use disposables – “so please don’t buy them for me – please give me money to build a stash.”
If I could go back to that pregnant me there are a few things I’d say – not sure if she’d listen though :p

I thought I’d researched enough. I thought I knew all there was to know about cloth diapering. I thought what I knew was enough…Little did I know exactly what awaited me as a FIRST TIME mom ASIDE from the diapers!

I don’t know if because 20 months later the world of cloth is reaching more South African (Joburg) mothers than when I was looking, or if I was looking in the wrong places, or asking the wrong questions, or just not getting fed the correct or enough information! Maybe it was all too much for pregnancy brain?!

1. New-borns poo a lot – a heck of a lot – they poo mid change!
2. There are new-born diapers! New-born! How did I miss that?!
3. So, you’d need about 20 new-born cloth diapers to begin with – now that I experimented and (used for fun) the traditional terry cloth with covers – those are super handy too for new-borns and if the weather is hot enough (and as I learned from one mommy friend) they can really be diaper-less when possible.
4. There is actually such a nice variety of cloth diapers and inserts – I had only learnt about the Fancy Pants and The Mother Nature – both One Size Fits All (OSFA) “birth” to potty training. I can’t tell you the tears and screaming at Mark for doing it wrong as we tried and battled to get the right fit amidst my other post birth difficulties (breast-feeding, healing my tear) and then add washing the diapers to the mix. The diapers I’d bought (I bought 9 FPs to begin with) were too big.
   I had a new-born, a house to run (no domestic help) AND to add insult to injury 8 subjects for my Teaching diploma for Semester 1! – So WHY I was so hard on myself and stubborn at sticking to cloth heaven only knows.
5. I FINALLY eased up on Mark and myself and we used the new-born disposables we got from Genesis and a packet that we did get as a gift.
   I cringed at every disposable that I threw in the trash. I went on a constant guilt trip that I was destroying the planet – that I was so terrible at getting cloth wrong and I couldn’t get the washing right. I was guilty about not being able to take care of my home, that I wasn’t all perfectly dolled up and taking my baby out on outings and letting the world see her and then guilty about my sadness or rage outbursts! There was so much emotional turmoil that I put on myself.
6. I remember a business trip Madison and I joined Mark on in Durban and I took all my cloth along… BIG mistake! I spent my time (alongside being ill) washing and re-washing the diapers because I (nor the staff) never knew how the washing machine worked!
   It’s OK to use disposables – it’s OK to use them when you’re sick of washing, when there is SO much else going on (illness in the family, studies, a new child to adore, SLEEP), or when you go on holidays.
7. There is not one kind of diaper nor is there one kind of insert. I do feel misled by Fancy Pants – because the woman told me that she used hers for all 3 her children from birth to potty training… well actually Microfiber inserts DO NOT help when you have a heavy wetter!
   Over the last 20 months I have learnt about trifolds, bamboo, cotton and hemp; boosters, liners and inserts.

I have learnt the best wash regime for MY machine and diapers
I have learnt that getting a spray to attach to the toilet IS IMPORTANT
I have learnt what dries the quickest after being washed
I have learnt what MADISON can wear the longest at night
I have learnt how to put liners in that collect poo THE BEST
I have learnt which fits MADISON the best

No one could’ve told me this as I had to learn it all by myself but it sure would’ve helped.

Maybe as a first time mom (if you’re like me) the best bet would’ve been to get through the hardest parts of being a first time mom – the colic, the breast-feeding, the healing, the teething, the sleepless nights, the uncertainties, the trials and errors – and just started cloth diapering when everything just settled better – at 18 months old Madison became a different child, me a different mommy and things, where the old stuff, are easier.

I look at what I’ve achieved and am proud of how I’ve stuck by it. I am proud of my stash of multi-coloured and printed and different branded stash. I am proud of the money we have saved. I am proud of how I may be helping the environment (in a small way) when I can.
I am proud that I let go of so much guilt I carried around and that I know it’s OK to use disposables.

I look forward to dealing with things so differently with my next babies and as I continue with Madison as we grow and learn so much about each other.

New “beginnings”

Looking at the ponderings of last time -I’ve realised that the sick/ flu  I had was in fact my morningsickness 🙂 fast forward to today and I have an exactly 3 month old beautiful little princess Plaska

So I am a newish wed stay at home MOM now 🙂

My pregnancy was AMAZING – I was truly blessed! I carried beautifully, was only sick for 2 weeks or so, suffered really only the last 2/ 3 weeks with heartburn and uncomfortability- I really had loads of energy throughout. We were also so blessed to have gone the Midwife route as we saved a fortune of money (we didn’t really have – because both of us weren’t working) and birthing at Genesis Clinic was a fantastic, natural (painful) experience.
I miss being pregnant. I miss my little Madison Rose as a newborn – and honestly I am ready to make another little miracle 🙂

If anyone wants to ask me about pregnancy or birthing at Genesis I’d be happy to chat 😉

The first 6 weeks of Madison’s life were for me an utter mind twist! I look back now and I feel like I was not all there – and yet I got through it and it DID get easier! But no matter how many people told me it gets easier – I myself had to go through it all and experience it and grow by myself to get see it.
It was a very emotional time for me and trying for Mark who couldn’t understand what was going on as we were both trying to figure out this new little person!
Breastfeeding was painful and extremely hard and I beat myself up constantly because I wasn’t getting it right – how could something that’s meant to be natural be so hard?! I was and am stubborn about it – I was going to breastfeed my child – so together we struggled until it got easier and easier and we were comfortable together. I am so glad I persevered and now know about the La Leche League who assists exclusively with breastfeeding! The bond Madison and I have is so beautifully amazing!

Cloth diapers were also a challenge for me (AND they are not old school towelling)- I thought I’d learned the basics – now after joining cloth groups – there is so much MORE I’ve learnt and still learning that I wish I’d properly known before I popped out a my child! It was so trying and frustrating in the beginning! Trying to get the right fit and trying to get a wash routine! I was beating myself over the head because I would move to disposables – and seeing how many we’d throw away killed a part of me – but it was just a small survival tool through the emotional 6 week rollercoaster. Now that I think a “little” clearer – I still have such porridge brain that I dunno how I make it alive out when I leave the house?! – I see the diapers I should’ve added to my collection or how EXACTLY I was supposed to wash them AND how many brands there really are ! and that you can sell/ buy/ trade with other cloth moms! I’m now a cloth addict and nearly have 20 diapers – I will probably buy 2 a month now LOL the patterns are gorgeous!

Mark got a new job – AMEN – in January and was promoted in May – and we see him growing and doing amazing things in this company – he proves himself on a daily basis! He really is amazing at what he does – his experience and eagerness to learn continuously makes me so proud of him.

Mark and I are really in a good place 90% of the time! We can cook together without killing one another – I’m not so OCD about dirty dishes anymore – I just let it be now – because at the moment looking after Madison is a round the clock job – I feed on demand – change, play, put to sleep and the start all over again – and in between I do try cook for us, wash diaps, pick up poop (yep I just get on with it now) and then study! YEAH! I am only doin 2 subjects this semester but I surprised myself by prayerfully getting through last semester ALL 8 subjects with a newborn including a 2 week prac whilst pregnant! –

It’s hard! I’m no where near the Pinterest moms who can sew, bake, cook, make stuff, be moms and wives! I don’t really wanna be either – it’s not in me to be a sewer or knitter unfortunately – and we all know how well I can garden (not) kkk – so I try not to beat myself up and aim to be a crazy hippie mom (mayb that’s for the next phase of my life – later on)
But I’m gonna pat myself on my back for being a great mom – because that’s where I feel I should be and I really believe it’s God’s purpose for me

watch this space as I try to get small tasks done little by little AND improve on being a number one wife because that is priority before children – the husband is number one!

 

Ponderings

I suck at this keeping up with blogging thing…
I have a guilt trip, of which I experience on an almost daily basis, of not having blogged; I eventually do sit down to write, then I enjoy it, and I can sit for a good while and write.
My sister once told me that blogging doesn’t entail me sitting and writing essays – it’s meant to be quick excerpts of weekly or daily or more often than not journaling (so hence my long “blogs” and probably this one too – maybe I’m not a good “blogger”; period. But does this kind of writing mean I’m a writer…?).
I can quite confidently say I’ve sucked at journaling all my life and to be quite honest with myself I have almost always sucked at not finishing anything I have started (hence also me promising myself to blog about things I really want to and… not).
I know! This is a terrible trait and one that brings me a lot of guilt.

Growing up I remember telling my dad (much to his wise disapproval) that my cousin and I were to transform my bedroom and paint the ceiling and all the side things black, yes black, and leave the walls white (A teenage phase – must have been?!) – well my cousin helped me for part of a day – we were all fired up with excitement but that ceiling was a major task! And quick as we were energised we were bored/ overwhelmed – she merrily could go home and I was left with a part black ceiling…I had to continue for weeks, by myself (dad showed no mercy), slowly painting until it looked decent – whilst I still slept and did homework around paint and newspaper (OK so I may have eventually finished THAT but it took forever).
The same goes for when my dad bought us four-wheelers – We thoroughly enjoyed riding and messing them up with mud but never wanted to clean them (the condition for having them) – so my dad sold them.
The same goes for me being SO passionate about Scrapbooking – and I really do love the idea of making beautiful scrapbooks of pictures and memories (you see these amazing scrapbooks of these women) BUT I have never completed more than a page. The one use I’ve found from scrapbooking goods is that I can make people cards for birthdays etc and that’s IF I don’t wait until the last minute to make the card – I think let’s add procrastination to the list of never finishing things I start; procrastination to blog often, water my dying garden, walk the depressed looking dogs, clean the pile of dishes… And the sick thing is I don’t work. It’s actually disgusting that I cannot gather energy to complete the most normal of tasks when I don’t have a 9-5 job! I really don’t know what has become of me the past 9 months…

I think what’s also put me on such a guilt trip is these women that I see – some on Pinterest – or you hear about on Facebook – or whom I follow –
Are these women super charged and super energised? Do they ever wake up feeling down? Or unmotivated? … I see some daily blogging of wives and mothers that “organise their houses, have cleaning schedules, have super school lunchbox ideas, organise cleaning products they make and store, and fantastic recipes (that by the looks of their pictures; never flop) AND they are wonderful and devoted wives that love and support their husband around the clock”, never showing that they are tired or emotional or unhappy.
These people make me feel like I am so inadequate, that I don’t love well enough and that I have failed at trying hard enough to be a super wife. How would I have been, a woman in Bible times, or a single mom, or as a servant in 1912? I admire and loathe these women.. I once saw myself as changing the world! Politically, environmentally, educationally but somehow, staying at home, has made me… pathetic… I fear that even if I muster the courage to go out and find and GET a job that I’ll suck.

I have wondered to myself today if technology has made me weak. Or if having house help has made me weak…
Since Mark has been unemployed for over 2 months and we have cut back on many luxuries – including but not limited to the gardener and domestic lady  – I was determined to step up and maintain an organised and clean home…
Well, coupled with flu and overwhelming emotions from this not so “funemployment”, other emotions of inadequacy and feeling trapped in a city a despise, I have started despising eating because eating means making dishes of which pile up and need to be cleaned. We do not have a dishwasher nor have room for one. On top of me being such a save water freak, and OCD, with procrastination, I now cannot face doing dishes. Mark has been phenomenal while I was sick and really keeps the kitchen clean so that I don’t vomit every time I walk passed it. I meanwhile manage general tidying and sometimes cooking.

Sheesh! We need to get out more. Mark needs a job. I need a hobby and friends! And we need some new life dreams and goals. Johannesburg is suffocating us! I wouldn’t mind doing some odd dishes and picking up dog crap if it wasn’t something and everything of what my life seems to have become all about.

Just some of the ponderings of my married life at this moment.. mayhaps I shall be feeling more positive and jovial and showing more of improvements when next I beat procrastination…

All The Way My Saviour Leads Me

Every time I open my Bible God speaks to me and I can apply the scriptures to my circumstances -not that I am manipulating the scripture to suit me – no, I am seeking out the principles from the text and applying them to myself/ circumstances.

After writing my last blog – I felt quite guilty – and a little angry with myself for having a pity party.

It goes against all the principles outlined in the Scriptures!

One of our Church Elders challenged us to take on reading the Bible in a year – by taking 5 bookmarks and reading The Old Testament, The Psalms and Proverbs, The 4 Gospels, Apostolic History and Letters of Paul and finally the Epistles and Apocalypse; one chapter from each section per day, we’d be able to complete, re-reading some books, in one year.

When I was in Korea I bought myself a Joyce Meyer, Everyday Bible, Amplified Version. I know there are some that like/ love Joyce and others who don’t. My Bible of hers really helps me and guides me more than some of my previous Bible’s and I have two books of hers too; Battlefield of The Mind and Living Beyond Your Feelings – and I have read them (not finished them) but used them at times in my life that they really assisted me. My Everyday Bible includes prayers, running commentary of scripture, Joyce’s understanding and testimonies from scripture and life points during chapters.

I am very much enjoying the blending of the history, the songs that cry out with joy amidst times of despair and trials and persecution, to the times Jesus taught (really understanding Jesus’s character and the things he said and knowing more about His personality), through to the Holy Spirit being left for us after Jesus’s ascension to heaven and the forming of new churches and the spreading of the word to maintaining and continually growing with the help of the Holy Spirit. Yesterday and the day before I felt especially challenged and convicted because I was reading Matthew 5 and 6 – they are really challenging scriptures! Jesus is quite sternly saying that we cannot get to heaven if we are holding anything against anyone; no resentment, no anger – if someone has hurt us we are to turn the other cheek – we are to love our enemies even more than our friends! and to pray for them. I cried because I have so much pent up resentment and anger towards Mark’s family – I have felt guilty going to church and singing praise and worship and knowing that I haven’t fully forgiven these people. I am praying about it a lot – and talking to God about it a lot! Luckily the first step is acknowledging that I am failing and then working at bettering myself – and at the end of matthew 5 it states that we must “be perfect growing into complete maturity of godliness of mind and character…” growing stood out for me as a process – not something I will achieve overnight. And as Joyce says, “I’m not where I need to be but thank God I’m not where I used to be.”

Matthew Chapter 6 was also especially challenging because towards the end it covers how we are not supposed to worry or be anxious – about money, possessions, what to eat or what to wear – for our Father knows our every need and loves us even more than the birds and beautiful flowers. Instead of worrying about these worldly things, that God already knows we need, He says we are to aim and strive for His kingdom and His righteousness – His way of doing and being right – and all the worldly needs will be given to us. As Joyce says – we are to be wise with finances and be responsible in our saving and spending but not to be greedy and obsessed about it nor should we obsess on how little we have – rather we must just focus on and pursue God’s kingdom which is a far more rewarding treasure and won’t rot or decay.

I need to seek God’s face at all times! When I focus on my problems and have my “pity party” – it all becomes about me -I forget so easily about the principles that I would have just learnt a day ago – I start not taking out my Bible and having my time with The Lord; and sometimes it may be for a day or two or a weekend – BUT I tell you it feels like years of being away from God and harder and harder each time to draw closer to Him – instead I get deeper into my funk, I fight with Mark, I can’t see an end to the tunnel – and what happens? I get further away from my Father – He doesn’t ever leave me! He is and always will be constant – we make the gap bigger and bigger when we worry/ don’t seek His face, think wrong thoughts and negative things.

I love the Psalms because they too remind me that I am not to be miserable even though my circumstances stink! I am always to lift my head up to Him! Rejoice in the good and bad – because after the trials the glory can go to God.

Psalm 6 especially spoke to me yesterday – I was feeling guilty for my many failures – and yet I was encouraged knowing how weak and fragile our bodies are – God is ever merciful and gracious regardless of how often we slip – we are weak – but we can ask God to be gracious, return to us, give us relief, with His steadfast love and mercy; The Lord hears our prayers.

It is so wonderful for me to find comfort in The Word. Coming back to it and having my time with The Lord always replenishes me just like drinking from the crispest flowing stream after a long hike; I can truly testify to Jesus quenching thirst. And I wonder why I ever left. I know I will falter, maybe life will get busy again, I won’t read my 5 book marked places and then those nasty things will creep in again – but I have to remain growing – taking what I am learning and applying to my daily life As Hebrews encourages to keep doing- and hopefully I will grow as a person and not “pity party” again too soon.

I also have to say that keeping my Sunday appointments with Jesus and going to Church and having fellowship with my church family and getting replenished with the Word AS WELL as singing Worship songs also greatly uplifts me and my spirit! I’ve HAVE to remind myself, DAILY, to offer myself to God, really surrender all myself, my dreams, my fears, my happiness – and He will always fill me!

I have included some of my favourite Worship songs that are really reviving me and speaking into my situations at the moment!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrZETO6DiEQ – Hungry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzEkhTwiODc – Lord Reign In Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kV5iZBTNYrk – The Stand
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCwDtSFMjdw – All Who Are Thirsty
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oY0y3pWCrtA – Hosanna
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lvi1UM_4YcM – All The Way My Saviour Leads Me

I will hopefully blog soon about this past Sunday’s sermon on Decision Making – and you will see how the songs fit so nicely – ^^ I will also fill you all in on the wonderful 1st birthday party we threw for Liya and FOR ONCE my successful food I prepared off of Pinterest! (with pics kkk) and last but certainly not least – I have decided to be Baptised on August 18th – hopefully its not tooo cold brrr but I am excited to be Baptised as I have been Saved and dedicated myself to Christ but haven’t formally been Baptised and would like to as I am now also officially a Member of The Village Church Lonehill 🙂

Feeling Fraj

Lately I find myself having to have to remind myself that I’ve only been married for 5 months.

I  guess it feels like a lifetime already because of all the drama we’ve had since our wedding day and which has since consumed every part of our daily lives over the past 2 months. All we talk about is the rotten people, some new kind of thing that has unfolded from the work drama each and every day, something that hinders selling the BM quicker, some or other hindrance in getting out the tenant from our apartment; it’s exhausting. And yet we are trying to handle things in a Godly manner and be Christlike people. It is so hard and I feel like a failure on a daily basis because in some or other way I have lost my cool at more than one moment in the day.

It’s not easy on our marriage either! And we both feel like failures daily too, to each other – The outside situations make us angry and frustrated and instead of separating them from our home life we get angry at each other – it’s so sad. No wonder I feel like I’ve been married a lot longer than I actually have. It dawned on me that a month ago I was telling a friend overseas that I was a bit depro and things were tough and yet here I am still upset and life is still complicated. I’m tired and feel like a broken record – I don’t want to tell anyone how I’m doing anymore.

Those people that do matter have been really supportive. The friends who’ve been my best friends since high school have all but vanished – or live overseas – but thank God that I have made some new friends, from church and, my sister, who have all stepped up and really been supportive and caring. The thing is that people can only ask so many times how you are before you just lie and say, “OK, plodding along.”

Everyone says that this time too shall pass. And some days are easy and I am positive and others are just plain hard and I feel like this dark tunnel doesn’t have a light. I know, and have my life as a testimony, that things to get better and change and prayer is important and leaning on God is vital – but sometimes I still get upset with God and my situations and feel like they are too much.

Thankfully for my family. My mom was the only person I could call – to be honest I don’t know where all my good/ long time friends have gone – they not anywhere anymore.. another story for another day… One breakdown from me, a huge fight between Mark and I and I had to call my mom on a Friday and tell her to fetch me and take me to her cause I couldn’t stay here anymore…She came and chatted us through stuff. It really does help to get a 3rd person in..Sometimes we just can’t do stuff; just the 2 of us. I am thankful that she could come over, that she loves Mark to bits and she’s wise in all her years of marriage to the not so easiest of men (my dad).

Madiba Day …

New mom and baby Liyalethu

In South Africa we now have Madiba Day which happens on Former President Nelson Mandela’s birthday. South Africans are encouraged to take 67 minutes of their day to go and do something for others, or exhibit acts of kindness or offer services to help those in need.
It is a great incentive and seeing people’s pictures of all the good they did on that day is touching. I do however feel that people should not offer 67 minutes once a year to others – it should be an ongoing ritual – people should be kind, sacrifice their time, help others, visit orphans/ the elderly as often as they can  – instead of wasting time watching TV – as an example.

My sister has just adopted 11 month old Liyalethu – which they have named her – meaning Our Hope Has Arrived 🙂 Her and her husband have battled to have a child of their own for the past 2 years and have since turned to adoption. Much to their surprise and shock and delight, all rolled into one, the social worker they are using found, showed and gave them a baby all in the space of 2 weeks!! When God works – boy does He work FAST! All family and friends have supoorted and shown Lisa and Bryan such love and kindness and already, Thanks Be To God! Gotten the basics, the chairs and so forth, all under budget! and donated/ offered from family and friends – and Liya should be home in a few days! This little blessing was made just for Li and Bry~~~^^ God knew that she would be formed just for them and them for her – how amazing ?!

Sadly, the home Liya comes from, Tsolofelo Home, only had one volunteer on Madiba Day – and the house mother says she doesn’t get many volunteers to come and play with the babies or help feed or donate some nappies etc. They are based in Roodepoort, west of Johannesburg; too far, sadly, for me to go to and volunteer at 😦 But I was most happy to see the home and conditions in a great state 🙂 and babies do get adopted really quickly from them. Mark and I went to visit Liya and  and seeing my sis and her hubby with her was just too precious. She is already so independent and feisty! I am sure she is going to keep Li and Bry VERY busy.

The reason I mention Madiba Day and express my concern for people not really sacrificing more time than they wish is because I have seen, sadly even a bit from my own church, that people don’t really want to go out of their way to assist the needy, the church, spend time with others – it, not always, seems to me to be easier for folks to fob off some cash to the church or governement organisation to go to a cause – which don’t get me wrong is FINE, but then they’d rather leave it up to someone else to actually put in the efforts.
Our church elders and brain child of the project- Impilo Foster Home, Hans, planned, developed and created and now run the home with foster mom Jaqui in Cosmo City. They currently have 4 children under 10 years old. Hans pestered the Woolworths in The Nicolway centre for over a year to get them to donate their “past sell by date” food. Hans and the Diepsloot Pastor now  go EVERY Saturday to collect, pack, deliver and unpack food from Woolies to Diepsloot and the orphanage. Hans appealed to the church family to offer one Saturday, 2 hours, to help him and Pastor Lote. I am not sure how many members our church has – we are not huge but we aren’t small either – anyway all I know is that myself and Mark are 1 of only 4 or 5 couples that help… and Hans every Saturday. It’s sad that with such a large congregation not more people could step up to the plate.

I am proud to say though that a lot of members offer and do take one of the foster children for the day; on a Sunday. We were fortunate enough to get little Andrew 2 Sundays ago 🙂 We took him to Gilloly’s Farm – a big park with a lake and many braai facilities. We met my cousin there with her husband and two children; thankfully because they brought along many toys ^^ We had such a fab day out in the sun, doing family stuff, braaing, feeding ducks and playing on the junglegyms – Mark was so tired once we got home LOL – and we got a genuine taste of having a child of our own.
I love the work that the church has done in Cosmo City and I feel so blessed to be able to help out whether it’s helping deliver the food from Woolies or taking a child to our home for the day. What a blessing it would be if all people took 2 hours out of their day each weekend or week day to dedicate to others?….

Fun feeding the ducks

Master Chef??

Out of the blue and rather suddenly Mark and I found ourselves utterly addicted to MasterChef Australia… It was on M-Net 4x a week – we got into all the contestants, we would learn from the cooking and get so excited when it came to all the challenges – we were quite sad when it ended…

I did Home Economics (cooking, baking and sewing) in school but I wasn’t particularly good or fond of it; I never foresaw myself ending up being a housewife that’d be a whizz in the kitchen.

I’ve always admired my mom for her great cooking and new experimentation with food, particularly over the last few years, she always has and still does cook for us and send us off with “padkos” when we visit, and we would occasionally watch BBC Food together and see what things they were cooking up.
From my mom I have learnt how to roast a chicken, make spaghetti bolognese, french fries, salad and, my all time best, her lamb chops, chips, peas and butternut or pumpkin; basic meals that I grew up eating as a child. She cannot bake well (so she says) and neither can I – and even now as I attempt to bake things off of Pinterest – I always end up disappointed.

Once we were married and home from honeymoon I made a conscientious decision to be a great wife and on the flight back to South Africa (from the Maldives) I kept running in my mind all the ways I’d be a good wife – not only would I try to find all the websites to get ideas on keeping my marriage interesting, it would also mean I’d keep a clean and tidy home, that’s well organised and simplistic, I would do groceries twice a month and ensure that my hubby is well fed at all times; since he was after all heading out to fight another day working and I wasn’t.

Armed with the basics my mom had taught me (of which quite often I’ll still WhatsApp her for more cooking tips) and ideas I had picked up over my years as an Au Pair (the snack/ lunch box ideas)  I set out to make breakfasts, lunch boxes and dinners for Mark.
At first I saw it a little bit as a self sacrifice (waking up before Mark so I can make him breakfast and a lunch box – even though I could technically sleep all day if I chose – and then starting dinners before he came home – even though I could have been out doing my nails or something) but now I have really come to embrace my tasks and I’ve gotten to really love to cook.

I booked us a cooking class once, at WickedFood in Sunninghill, and we had a WONDERFUL class on Vietnamese Cooking – I know it boosted Mark’s cooking confidence a bit- because he is not even too instinctive when it comes to the kitchen. We had fun and it was something on my “rock marriage right” list that I could tick off.

So back to MasterChef… Seeing the creations that were being thought up, and the ways they were presented, and in the limited time they were allocated, I found myself subconsciously challenging myself to try and be better in the kitchen and I know Mark (with his sweet tooth) was making a goal to learn how to bake and do sweet treats sometime in the future. My only problem is that I have become very critical of my cooking, to the point where Mark has to tell me “You’re not actually on the show”… It gave me incentive!

From a voucher someone gave us for our wedding I went out and bought, what I think is a TOTALLY FABULOUS, cookbook, to start Mark and I on our own, at home, Masterchef journey. It’s called, Reader’s Digest – The Great 5- Ingredient Cookbook, and I HIGHLY recommend it for anyone who enjoys simple and fast cooking with most things you would have in your fridge or pantry.

My kitchen aid!

As my husband will tell you I love two herbs and add them to almost anything these days – Coriander/ Cilantro and Thyme. I am even growing my own herbs – a gift set I was given from my cousin for my 30th. I use the recipes from the cookbook and always add my own tweaks using my herbs and ideas from TV.
I’ve taught myself to make soup – I am very proud of this LOL even if it’s the simplest thing – AND I am proud to say I am starting to enjoy hosting people for dinner – Mark and I successfully made Creme Caramel for dessert last night! OK! Batch #2 was successful but still 🙂

By me misreading the recipe batch #1 ended up being Creme Scambled Egg…

I have even gotten some signature dishes that I LOVE to make for Mark and I, barely following the recipe any longer, and I hope to post some recipes (the way I make them) and pics in the future.

So far I am pleased that I am growing into my cooking but I am far from anywhere near MasterChef status – but trying to get there is fun in the meantime 🙂

God is ALWAYS in Control and only He can get us through (end of Reflections series)

The stress Mark got under at work has caused a problem or two in our marriage;
me being stubborn and impatient, wanting to travel, getting over that I wanted to travel, wanting more from him cause I became lonely, and not being able to express myself better except through throwing a hissy fit, or being too needy, has caused problems…
BUT THANK THE LORD we have stayed committed to our Cell Group to our Church, to our volunteering commitments, to our Bible study and quiet times.
I have really grown so much closer to God, my love for Jesus is still so crazy mad and although I get mad at Him for what we going through I quickly repent and am learning that I cannot dwell on the problem – we need to focus on God, focus on living Christlike lives and rejoicing in all the blessings we do have – God is leading the way! He has our hand and He isn’t taking us where we cannot fully cope.
We are seeing it and boy will we rejoice and glorify God once the troubles are over –

God is moving so much in our life right now! It’s extremely exciting as much as it is painful and scary. I am loving reading the Psalms at the moment – I actually love to open my Bible and see where I get lead over and over again and pretend that I can hear Jesus’s voice through the scriptures.

Mark and I have learnt over the past month that God works extremely quickly when His plans are spun into motion.

Mark’s business has been slowly suffering and going under, for many month’s now, at the hands of his father and step-mother and corrupt employees – not to his father’s acknowledgement – regardless of how often Mark has tried to show him, and his brother, and employees (Mark is the CFO – he knows every cent and movement of every cent in the company – if he says something is wrong – you believe him). Instead, Mark has been dealt constant verbal abuse, been sent poor performance letters, had sexual harrasment and rascist charges laid against him (then quickly retracted), had cops called on him (and then quickly called back not to come), he’s been constantly abused at the hands of HIS OWN FAMILY and an incompentant and corrupt, low level employee, that Mark hired to assist him, but instead quickly turned against him and started sabotaging the company and tried to oust Mark – A SHAREHOLDER and MANAGER, from the company.  Any of those who REALLY know Mark and who have met him can honestly tell you that there is not an aggressive bone in his body – even when I fight with him and push him – he remains calm and never raises his voice at me.

Now when I say God moves quickly – this is what I mean:
Up until Mark met me he let people walk all over him, push him around, get their way, voice their opinions, carry on on their power trips and do whatever they pleased; his brushed things, that were not right, under the carpet. In only these months that we have been together has Mark grown and changed and started standing up for himself and what is right, even his family that have high egos and high opinions and are often downright not nice people – and ALL the time in a Christlike way – Godly ways in all his dealings – when so often he could have acted in ungoldy ways – he could’ve lost it big time! I rant and rave and say all the possible things I would like to do to these people and all the while Mark says no – we act like Christians and be Christlike in everything – no matter how hard it is for us!
I then am forced to turn to God hourly, as I am alone so often, all I can do is open my Bible, reach for my “Power of a Praying Wife”, listen to my Worship songs, and read, and pray and rejoice that this is for some greater purpose.

In the space of 2 weeks Mark has resigned. He isn’t even going to fight for his 30% shares owed to him (he knows the company won’t afford to pay him – and his own health and sanity isn’t worth the money), he is following procedures, lawfully, by the book, dealing with his exit from the company in as pleasant and respectable manner as possible – regardless of all the ways he’s been abused. I admire and salute him! I am so proud of him!
We may lose our house, and our apartment – as Mark owns the most assets – because there are still sureties in his name – which we are praying, God willing, his father will amicably release him from by the end of the month – because the company is fast spiralling into bankrupcy because his father simply chose to ignore everything Mark was saying to him and instead sided with a greedy wife and corrupt employee, and who knows, by the end of the month there may be no more company – no employees will get paid – ! It is so extremely sad for Mark to see a company he has poured his soul into for the past 13 years go under. But he is remaining positive about the new things on the horizon – God’s plans for us – a new suburb to live in – away from his family – Mark is still young enough and ambicious enough to get more than his worth and what he got and how he was treated by his father.

I am certainly more grown up, much wiser, and closer to Christ than I was in my 20’s.
My husband is more important to me than anything else. His sanity, his health are more important to me than anything else. I do not believe we will JUST LOSE THE HOUSE but it could happen – regardless – we can survive and God will take care of us. We will not suddenly be out on the street – we have family and friends and God who can take care of us.
Together Mark and I are making new starts and it’s really a breath of fresh air – we don’t need two cars – it’s sad to let go of a paid off BMW that we both really enjoy (but it’s just a car!), and an Amarok that we take the dogs everywhere in (it’s just a car!)..  a car is THE least valuable asset we could have!
We’ve both been extremely humbled by the experiences.
We are downgrading a lot of our lifestyle and we are only the better for it.
We can share a car, that’s small and fuel efficient (as petrol prices are nothing to laugh at at the moment), we don’t NEED DTSV or eating out once a week – we have more than enough at home – at family – at friends. Because we’re selling cars and hopefully getting a great, new paying tenant for our apartment, and Mark is so money savvy that we have a policy that can look after us and selling the motorbike – we will manage to cover all our costs whilst Mark finds a new job.
And already Mark has had a confident boost while we prepared him a CV – he has a wealth of knowledge and experience and he will no doubt find a new job; he has already been called for interviews and had people interested in him and he is focusing on moving into working on his own as a Consultant with a small client base – so watch this space ^^

From my side I hope to report on all the new and exciting beginings that will take shape.
Once Mark is settled – once we know where we may live (where he will work) – I can then look at where I could work – I can start studying in January – (I put off studying in July – and it was definitely God ordained – because had I gone to Cape Town for a week of orientation #1 I wouldn’t have been there to support my husband as he resigned and #2 I would have realised we don’t actually have the funds for me to continue with my studies)

Everything happens for a reason. Right now – I am too support my hubby – I am to maintain a clean home (we have released our domestic worker as we can’t afford her) I am to cook and keep my hubby healthy and strong, I AM TO DRAW CLOSER TO GOD in all things! Surrender all things! At the end of the day – nothing is ours! We will leave this earth with nothing – so we cannot hold onto anything – except God!